Monday, February 2, 2015

Still Healing and Coming to Terms with Things in My Life

Hello Masquerading Crafter Friends,

I will be the first one to admit that I am battling with Depression very heavily and this past year since my physical pain has been at the highest it has ever been before it has got me thinking thoughts I would rather not have.

So in that avenue of thought, I am reaching out to my Online Friends (since the ones I thought were my friends have abandoned me) for the Love, Encouragement, and the Support I truly need.

Is anyone really there for me and actually with me? I have reached out to many people only to be told they are too busy, I'm nuts and that I am too needy. That I "need to find Retired neighbors or Homebound people who maybe like me are crippled, too. Perhaps they would have time for me. That "working" people are just too busy and do not have the amount of time I seem to require".

Yes, it was said in a moment of stress, but it has implications and scars on my soul for the rest of my life. These remarks came from someone who I thought of as "Best Friends" so it really stung when I really  heard what they thought of me.  I wept so hard that I have blown my Pituitary Gland out.

I know that I am not that way, I just happened to be in Chronic pain and it takes more high quality items just to  ease my physical pain. Just for a few minutes of comfort that is all I am asking for. It is not my fault I was created this way. I try to go cheaper when I can, but in some areas I just cannot and my feet are one of those areas. My feet were messed up as a young child when I had to walk for fourteen miles a day in ill-fitting shoes because that was all my parents could afford. I was walking picking up dirty, foul-smelling beer cans to get enough money to feed my baby brother at the time. You tell me, Did that prove that I loved my brother? My Parents? So in your prayers tonight please ask God to give me a comfortable pair of shoes that will last more than three months. I walk so heavy I wear them out that quick.

I really want my Dream of taking this blog to the next level to come to pass, but in all honesty, with my pain getting worse I am not seeing that happening any time soon, if ever and I am just praying that it is not too late to follow this Dream.  I really want to create a happy positive fun place to be but it is so hard for me to actually be happy when I feel so Abandoned and Alone.

I have another Dream as well, one that has been haunting me for the past 24 years soon to be 25. July 27th and August 26th to be exact. I want my Daughter and Son back in my life. I never truly left them. My heart and thoughts were always and still are on and of them. I did the best thing I could do concerning the situation I was in at the time. I got the medical help and mental health help I needed, but it has come at a very high cost. It caused a great divide between me and my beloved children. I do not know how to overcome the lies my own mother fed them. I keep praying for their safety and for them to know Jesus. I am trying to hope that God will one day answer my prayer. This missing out on my Children's lives is killing me. I just pray that they can forgive me and learn to know the "real" me. The "me" that would give her life to protect her Children, but was not given the chance, I tried and the Social Services hung up on me mid-sentence. I have never gotten over that, it still haunts I had tried so hard to get my Daughter back but Satan blocked me.

Now you know my Dirty Secrets. I am a Childless Mother and a Motherless Child.

Do you still care to get to know me? If so, you will never find a more loyal Friend.

Love Always,