I sure have been missing being on my blog and I have several posts in the wings, but first I want to share some news about myself and in the hopes that perhaps you will forgive my previous ranting about all my physical pain I am currently in.
For those who do not understand Chronic Illness, let me ask you just to be gentle, kind, compassionate, loving and show me that you truly care about the battles I face daily just trying to even semi- function.
I have dealt with Fibromyalgia since I was 11 years old, then in November of 2013 I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis. I am HLA-B27 Positive. Then after my recent hospital Stay of 3 days and 2 nights of heavy IV Antibiotics and Steroids 3 times a day I walked out with a new diagnosis of Ulcerative Colitis.
Plus, I have a Concentric Bulging Disc in my L4-L5 region of my spine which is also where the AS is actively flaring as I type this. So for the most part, my days are usually spent mostly laying on an ice pack and resting every hour until evening hits then I switch to heat packs. Pain wakes me nightly at 3 am. So that is why I seem a bit Fogged out at times. So please forgive me if I get too blunt sometimes. I have this innate desire to be truthful and transparent at all times even when it may hurt me to do so as that is how my Mom partly raised me and due to the fact that I am a Christian. I cannot help it. If I have hurt anyone on here I am terribly sorry.
I also live with Daily Migraines as well as Hemiplegic Migraines. It has been two years since I was completely headache free. It tends to happen right at Bedtime as soon as I lay my head on my pillow. But I have recently researched Spondylitis.org's Message Board and found someone else who has been suffering the same type of headaches as I have been and as our best guess and my doctor's opinion, it seems that any amount of pressure on the Occipital Lymph Nodes triggers a headache that creeps from the back of the head across the top of the head and settles behind the right eye. When I lay down it feels like all the pressure runs to the front of my head and then it starts and it usually takes a Reglan and the Ice Pack to get rid of it. So if I am cranky sometimes, this is partly why.
But you have to understand my mind a bit so let me help you out.....I suffer from Major Depression, Bipolar, Complex PTSD, Anxiety Attacks, Panic Attacks, Abandonment Issues that all came from my Childhood growing up. Ironically, I have come to the place where I actually feel sorry for my parents even though their treatment of me was not all that good. I still love them dearly. After going through this Psoriatic Arthritis pain I have been dealing with not being properly control with pain medications I do have a new respect for my Dying father (now has Late Stage Alzheimer's) who had suffered with the same illnesses I have silently with humor while working 13 hour shifts as a Prison Guard. This pain I deal with hurts like you would not believe and until you deal with this type of Deep, High, and Intense pain day and night for years like I am doing you will not truly understand me, the only ones who are close to this type of pain are those living with Cancer. It saddens me terribly that I have been grounded by my Doctors from flying back to care for my parents until my health is stabilized. But I'm seeking the funds to fly back though, I just pray that it is in time to at least say Goodbye to my Father. This is really tearing my heart out.
However, I want to create beauty and bloom where I am planted so I am thinking of starting a local Support Group for those with AS as the nearest one is in Seattle and unfortunately at this time it hurts me severely to ride in my van for that distance even though I am just laying down in the back seat. It saddens me terribly to be this way, but the jarring of the road is just too painful to endure long trips like my hubby and me use to take. I especially miss camping out. Our air bed popped and we cannot afford a new one to replace it.The Rest of my Story:
I was molested by my Father for many years, then when I was 18, an ex-inmate that knew my father from being in prison raped me and I got pregnant, but I loved my baby girl who my mother forced me to give over to her and my father and I never was able to get her back legally as Social Services hung up on me and called the case closed and now she is a grown adult and even though now she wants nothing to do with me I will always love her, be proud of her and desire to have her and my son back in my life again. So please pray to this end for me please?
My son's father thought it was more fun to steal from me and to use me as a punching bag before I left him in 1998, best move I ever made but I was forced to live with my parents who demanded more than I could physically perform as I tried desperately to work three different jobs. My mother also forced me to give my sweet little boy back to his father. Ultimately, I was forced to give my son up in June of 1998 when I flipped and rolled my dump truck carrying 32, 800 pounds of sand. The truck was torn into three pieces. I was dead on the scene, but God sent my spirit back to my body and I can tell you is it so warm, golden and beautiful in Heaven (I did not want to come back to earth but He said my job was not done yet) so I am on a mission to take as many souls with me as I am able to. God is the very reason why I am still alive even though I attempted to take my life in April.
My job for the past twelve wonderful years has been caring for my 2nd sweet, loving, caring husband Ben. I would be lying if I said it has been easy. But then it is not easy living with me either. He is Developmentally Disabled with Social Anxiety. I have scared him a few times when my pain was at it's very worse. Chronic Illnesses such as the pain-filled ones that I have can wreck a relationship, but my hubby has stood by my side, sometimes only to bring me a ice pack, a heat pack or in some cases a Lorazepam. I should be easier on him with his game playing online but I hate to see him waste such a beautiful life he has been given, not that I consider myself a gift, I am more like a broken puzzle with very tiny broken pieces, but tenderly, with lots of love and prayer he has been freeing me from my realm of Emotional and Mental torment and has been a balm to my shattered soul. For that, I Thank You my Darlin'!
Along my journey in life I have had to say painful Goodbyes to dear Friends who were taken too soon for whatever reason.More than most folks have in their entire lives. It seems that Death surrounds me like a thick heavy Fog at times. But to be honest even though I know that Jesus has Conquered Death, I am scared to death of dying as I have come close to it and actually did once. So I could use some prayer and encouragement. In fact, I just buried another this past Friday, Cindy-Lei Angelique Burris, May she Dance in the Sky. So my heart is very heavy at this time and with her 6 beautiful Children. So please pray for comfort for them. The youngest was hit the hardest and I would ask for peace for his sorrow.
I have to admit I am very Sentimental, cannot help it and I am a complete Hopeless Romantic at heart. In spite of everything I have been through, I can now look back and see God's hand protecting me, providing for me and loving me. Mrs. Heinerman I will never forget what you taught me in Sunday School and I try to put it into practice every day. Thank You!
So you see, I have been to Hell and back so to speak and I have learned the true Value of Life, even my breath, they are not guaranteed, they are priceless, precious gifts from God and not to be taken for granted as so many people do. But everyone learns at their own pace and some take even longer than others to get the true picture of life. But as for myself, I will serve the Lord for ever and live in Living , Bold, Beautiful Color. Remember to always look for the Roses that come with the Thorns. Life is beautiful. This is why Angel from Sew Crafty is my Role Model she has done just this. Thank you for sharing your Story. It really touched me and you are an Inspiration.
A lot of folks call me Strong and Creative, but I am as about as weak as they come, but my Lord shines brightly through my Weaknesses. People do not see the times I weep when I am alone due to either the pain of my body or the pain of my Shattered heart and dreams. But I know that my tears do not fall in Vain, my Lord keeps every single one and I look towards the day of "No More Pain, No More Sorrow, No More Tears" but until that day , I shall in my best efforts try to create beauty and leave a Sparkle wherever I may go and to Bloom wherever I am planted.
So over the course of the next few months, you will see a new look to my Blog and I will be adding a Weekly Card Contest, Crafter's Supply Swap just to name a couple of the changes.
I could use some Sponsors for the the Card Contests with perhaps some free Digital Stamps for us to use, pretty Digital Scrapbooking papers and elements for those of us who have printers. I am wanting those with the fancy cutting machines who are willing to make a few dies for those who are poorer ( Such as myself :oD) than you so they can enter the contests. Most of all I just want Friends, Are you game?
I have spent three nights just collecting Color Pallets from Pinterest so I am pumped to start creating beautiful cards y'all!
So keep your eyes open and come back soon!
Until Next Time,